I had a blind date tonight. As I walked toward my date, late of course and attempting to
add heel pads to my shoes as I walked (quite a feat if I do say so myself) (also, punny!), I willed myself to exude confidence and
charm and not sweat. Willing attractiveness into existence over the course of a twenty
minute walk, not an easy task. While I was doing mental sit-ups and thinking pretty thoughts, someone in a car pulled over
by the curb, rolled down their window and said something I couldn’t quite make
out. Thinking he needed directions, I stopped like the good citizen I am and asked him to repeat, and he
yelled, “I said, hey there pretty lady!” Ah. Well timed,
random-guy-who-feels-entitled-to-comment-on-a-stranger’s-appearance. Well
timed. Confident that my strategy was working, I sailed onward through Hahvahd
Yahd toward my date.
For those of you who have been significant-othered for the last 10-30 years, I'll review how first dates go. First dates have three awkward parts. Always. Especially if you don't know the person at all.
1. The Approach: Is that him? Does he see me over here? Does he know it's me? I know, I'll text him that I'm here and I'll know it's him when he pulls out his phone. Ok that should be him. 90% chance it's him. Everyone now seems to be pulling out their phones. (seriously consider backing out slowly now) oh he sees me now. shoot. (over-enthusiastic greeting!!!)
2. The Bill: Split down the middle: I will hate you forever. I ordered a side salad and there is no way in hell I am paying for half your steak, terrible carnivore man. You pay the whole thing: Great on a feeling-broke day, even better on an actually-broke day, sexist on all other days. I pay the whole thing: Not on your life. A cold day in hell. Pigs fly, etc. We pay for ourselves: excellent in theory but awkward in practice. Um, do you have change for a twenty? Are you sure you added yours correctly? We're a few dollars short on tip so... There is no good way to settle this bill business. I often leave to go to the bathroom just as the check is arriving so that the other person is forced to make the decision. I know what payment method we're using by how much money is on the table when I get back. I'm a great date.
3. The Good-bye: Handshake? This was not a business meeting. Kiss? Not happening. Loose, brief hug followed by the vague promise of a text? Always.
I'll spare you the details of our conversation, but I can say that it went much better than my last first date, in which my date asked me about my dating history, my five-year plan, my intentions for this relationship, and whether or not I would go out with him again, all before my drink arrived. Whoa there buddy, my only plan is to have this drink and watch Gilmore Girls before I go to sleep. One day at a time.
